IC/Overflow Post Part III

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Starters, thread continuations, texts, and PSL tags welcome here!

Comments

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I wasn't sure if there were actual songs and styles associated with it.

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I can honestly say things are never dull around you. And I hate to be bored.

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Think it depends on the key you play it in, and the time signature. Give me about a week and I can probably rewrite a few things to sound circusy.

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Good thing I love to entertain you.

@hawk_shot

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[OOC: Continued from here.]

There's a momentary pause before Kaz continues writing without looking up. He's never seen the point in apologies. Or rather, he doesn't see what good two words can do, what need they fill. He doesn't want an apology, he wants a solution, but he doesn't imagine this is really about him, anyway. "If what you said last night is how you feel, then it's how you feel. I'm not certain what apologizing over it will accomplish." The cat shifts in his lap, sensing his tension as he finally looks up at her with a frank gaze. He's hurt but he doesn't want sugar coating. It all feels like salt. "What is it you want, Kate? I thought we were progressing. I thought we were on the same page. If we're not, then tell me that. Because I don't get drunk and end up wanting to hurt you."

Thanks for for moving us again 💜

[hawk_shot]

It does feel like salt indeed. Sprinkled into a wound of her own making.

Kaz's voice cuts like steel through the silence, almost making her wince as, without needing to spell it out, he proves how her stupidity hurt him. It feels wrong, giving him his back. This mess is about that, after all. Turning her back on him.

Half-turning, she drapes one of her legs on his desk to at least now face him. "We are making progress, Kaz. And I told you, I'm so proud of how far you've come." As she speaks, her hands move wildly. As if words were not enough to express how she is feeling. "I didn't mean what I said. I was tired and drunk and frustrated, but that doesn't make what's going on between us any less real."

You're welcome!

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"You can understand why that's a little hard to believe." His pen taps on the desk, his body needing some movement of it's own to keep up with his thoughts. "I know I piss you off sometimes, and I know I even sometimes do it on purpose. What I have never done, and what I would never do, is dangle doubt about you and us in your face to cause it." Trust and loyalty mean everything to Kaz. He can be hard and cold even with his friends and family, but unless they betray him, he's never threatened to pull the rug out beneath their feet on where they belong in the Dregs. He's never purposely made someone he cares about question whether he values them - he's stumbled in expressing it many times properly, but never deliberately used it as a weapon against them.

He's lost too many people too many times to do that. Which he's never talked to Kate about, until now. His desperate desire to provide a nest is a direct correlation to his deep-seated abandonment issues.

"This won't work if we don't know where we stand with one another. So if you do mean what you said just now, you can't imply otherwise just because you're pissed at me later. Because we will piss one another off again at some point." He knows how annoying they can each be, so he figures that's a given. "And for what it's worth, I wasn't trying to piss you off last night."

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Normally, Kate would interrupt him. She would argue, try and make her point and match him in the debate. This time it's clear that the more he calls her out, the more she deflates. She listens, covering her face with her palms and scrubbing it.

By the time he is finished, her palms rest on top of her tight. She looks defeated.

"I was pissed off and I was trying to --" Was she trying to piss him off? "I was trying to be right and to give you reasons to be sorry." Which was, in all honesty, simply mean of her. "I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I wish we could have a regular relationship. Because I bet you do too. But that's-- That's just me being stupid sometimes, or missing some things. But it's as rare as, I don't know, the planets aligning."

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"Yes. Sometimes I wish things were different." He's spent a good deal of his life standing in doorways watching his friends live in ways that seemed unavailable to him. He always feels like he's not moving fast enough, not improving as he should, that he's weak for not simply forcing himself to be better. In moments like this, it's like having all those fears confirmed by the person that matters most to him. "But I don't think my partner is the person who should hold it against me. I feel like shit enough about it." Which might have been obvious, but also might have been the first time Kaz actually put into words how his condition makes him feel.

There are certain areas he knows Kate is vulnerable, and he'll never aim for them. That she went for one of his is hard for him to swallow. It's hard, because a part of him feels like she's right and he hates himself for it.

"So if we are going to do this, I'd like to know that you won't throw it in my face in the future to make me sorry." He'll leave it up to her if those moments where the planets align are reason enough to walk away or not, but he wants to trust that if she says what they have is enough, it is. That there aren't doubts rising that will make things between them bitter and break. "If you say we're good, and you can agree to that, then we're good."

He leans back in his seat, rubbing the bridge of his nose. His head and stomach hurt. He hates conversations like this. It's so much easier to simply be mad and to take it out on people he dislikes. He's certainly got a long enough list of enemies. It's a whole different battlefield to be her with her, being open and honest, fighting to keep a relationship he hopes they both want.

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Her ponytail sways, tapping the side of her shoulder as Kate turs to face him. Her blue eyes are widely open, looking genuinelly surprised at the offer he's pushed her way.

"I thought you were breaking up with me," she confesses, feeling him like she owes him that at the very least. A taste of her own honesty, of her own fears. Because Kaz has played his cards, has shared so many things Kate had only dared to guess before and now recognises them without hesitation.

"Of course I want this, of course I wanna be with you and never hurt you again. I -- You know that I love you." They've discussed it before, but never said it outloud. Hell, it's one of the things she spat on his face as she attempted to hurt him. But the truth is, she doesn't feel like she needs him to speak the words, not when he shows it with his actions every time. "But I feel like shit over what I did to you."

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There's a momentary look of surprised confusion at her confession that she thought he was breaking up with her. It hadn't entered his mind, but as he replays him hiding away from the Slat last night and dramatically waiting for her to come to him today, he can see where it built up into something larger than intended. There's a contrite look that crosses his face as he realizes he didn't exactly set her up for thinking this wasn't a break up talk, he'd been too focused on his own worries of not being good enough for her. "I could have prefaced that I wasn't." It's not an apology, he doesn't believe in those, but he'll acknowledge that he didn't handle the start of this talk as good as he could have.

Hearing the word love makes him sit up a little straighter. They've danced around it but not actually offered it to one another like this. He's quiet a moment before reluctantly saying, "I know I'm not always that great at intimacy in other ways, either. I could work harder at those. Words and things." There's no phobia over being emotionally honest, not like there is with physical touch. He just doesn't always think to put in the effort. "I owe you that." He owes her the truth about his past. He owes her saying simple things like that he's hurt, rather than just avoiding her.

He owes her telling her how much she means to him.

"I do love you. I wouldn't be doing this conversation from hell if I didn't." He gives her a wry look at that. This can't be fun for either of them. The word feels foreign on his tongue, but the direction it's pointed to feels right.

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Even though Kaz finally releases her from her biggest of worries, Kate has been holding that tension for so long that she is not quite letting go of it yet. It has been eating her up the second her memories of her mistakes assaulted her once she finally woke up.The stiffness on her shoulders became her company for the day as her own thoughts betrayed her. What if Kaz realized she wasn't worth the trouble? He always valued loyalty above all things. Had he felt let down enough to let go of what they have? Over and over again Kate convinced herself of the worst possible outcome was waiting, only to hold onto a little hope and again sabotage herself with dark thoughts.

Perhaps he didn't notice it yet, but since she walked into that room her yes have had a glassy coat to them.

It's only once he confesses what she already knew, but that longed to hear, that the wetness behind her lashes becomes more obvious. She blinks a few times, letting out a deep sigh as the stiffness is finally gone. Her shoulders visibly sag while she wipes her eyes. Her lips are pressed into a thin line, suppressing a nervous laugh until she is once again able to speak.

"We both have to work on things. I've been -- I'm not the best at handling my emotions when I'm frustrated. And... Yeah, even if I knew how you feel..." That nervous laugh finally breaks out. "I have to admit it feels fucking nice to hear it."

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There aren't any tears in Kaz's eyes. Much like how he's never let out a real belly laugh since Jordie died, he's also never fallen at the other end of the spectrum with emotions. His body goes cold and hard instead in moments of emotional stress, shutting down before it reaches any extremes aside from rage. Now that the churning tide of the argument seems to be easing away, he's just left looking worn out and grimacing a little. His stomach and head still ache from lack of sleep and being upset, the knot in his belly slowly unraveling but leaving the dregs of adrenaline behind to linger. He gently sets the cat onto his desk, much to her indignant mews at losing a warm lap, leaning forward in his seat to accommodate his stomach pain.

It's all minor physical discomfort. He's dealt with worse. It's just the situation surrounding it all that's new.

"No. You are pretty terrible at that," he agrees with her, giving her a faint smirk as she says she's bad at handling her emotions when frustrated. "And I'll try to remember that it matters to you to hear it." He's much more someone who values actions than words, but he knows that isn't the case for everyone. It also had felt good to hear Kate say it too, even if it's not something he needs to hear as much as see most often.

He takes a tissue out of his pocket and hands it over to her, as the cat sneaks and finagles her way back onto his lap. "I don't think she likes it when we fight, either."

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Even though Kaz is agreeing to the point Kate just made, she still rolls her eyes playfully as she is called out. She is pretty terrible at handling her frustrations, it's no secret. Blame it on being a single child who normally got everything she wanted, from riding lessons to a bow and arrow to trips to Disney Land on a whim. Being a spoiled princess sometimes makes you a bratty adult too.

"It's not like I can't live without it, you know what I mean?" Kate tries to explain herself, tapping at her eyes with the tissue and smiling as Kaz points out that the feline is a concerned child. "Or without touch. Or sex. It's not like I was getting lots of sex before I met you."

Even her last lasting relationship had ended a while before they started working together.

"I swear, it's not something that bothers me, Kaz." Does he ever worry about that? About how she might be missing out on something she honestly doesn't care for? Because sure, sex is wonderful. But she and Kaz have found ways around physical intimacy. Watching each other, whispering things. It's more than enough. It's finding a connection Kate has never experienced before.

Although, she's human too. Sometimes. Every once in a while and almost catching her by surprise, she imagines them both doing things that feel like part of another world. It might not bother Kate, but longing is also something natural.

"But it's nice to hear it. To be reminded that, yeah, we're in the same page."

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He's quiet a moment, calculating what to say. It's not so that he can manipulate or withhold, but rather, that he wants to be precise. Threats roll off his tongue easily, these moments of honesty don't. "I never thought I would live with it," he finally admits in a low voice, his gaze dropping down to his hands. One is cradling the cat again, who is very satisfied with herself for getting her way. The other hand lightly drums on his desk. Before Kate, he never really had the chance to picture a life that might include a healthy sexual relationship. He's wanted it, but never given the chance to actually work through it in a way where it seemed possible.

He gives a small nod when Kate reassures him that it isn't something that bothers her. There's a look of appreciation on his face, because it is something that bothers him. He wants to do more, have more with her, and sometimes it does frustrate him that he can't do it all at once. It's easier for him to think about how far they still have to go than how far he's come. His jaw works. "I want to get better. For us." But it's nice to know he won't lose her over it. He slowly holds out a hand to her, the one that was tapping on the desk. Blowing out a breath he says, "I'm really tired."

[hawk_shot]

It only now hits her. As Kaz recognizes that everything they've done is not just new territory, but one he never thought he'd explore, this is a conversation that Kate herself never imagined they would share. Sure, she's wondered if he's longed for this. But having Kaz recognise it felt so out of reach? It's both heartbreaking, but it also warms that spot in her chest with his trust.

"It's not just for us." Without hesitation, she reaches out to take his hand, touched by how natural seeking this sort of contact comes to him lately. How Kaz himself seeks for the physical reassurance. She squeezes lightly, not wanting to overwhelm him. "As selfish as I am and and happy to be the only reason, you're doing this for you too," she reminds him.

"Look, I love it when you touch me. How you make me feel things I never did when you just use your fingertips on me. I swear, it's even new and so good for me too, Kaz." The words blurt out with a delighted little laugh as she recalls those moments of pure joy. Of excitement and discovery. "But you came a very long way. Look." Tipping her chin, she points at their joined hands. "This is about you not depending on your gloves. Or not feeling uncomfortable when a room is too crowded." He has never mentioned it, but she's noticed his discomfort during certain jobs.

"I meant it when I said I'm proud of you. But you're not better or worse for the things we do when this door closes. You're are an incredible guy already." Kruge interrupts Kate with her meowing, stretching a paw and poking at Kaz's arm, almost as if she wanted to take part of how their hands are joined.

Finally, Kate scrunches her nose. "Are you tired mentally or do you actually need to lie down?"

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She has a point. He is tired of living like he has been. The trauma has been too overwhelming though for him to face it for just himself. It's been easier to simply hide from it, to create layers of shields and lies. Now he has something worth breaking through all of that. There's a tangible goal at the end of the dark tunnel. Something finally means enough to him to try working through it again. He does owe her for that. As much as he likes to be an island, this isn't an issue he can figure out on his own.

He looks down at their hands together. If left long enough it'll scrape his defenses raw, but he can last a lot longer than he once did. There's even enough tolerance to where he can enjoy the touch rather than it just being a battle to keep the panic at bay. His thumb lightly brushes against her hand. Will he once reach a point where he doesn't growl when Jesper clasps his shoulder? Where his teeth aren't set on edge in a crowded train? Perhaps. Maybe it won't ever be easy or come naturally to him, but he'll tolerate it better. As long as he can enjoy contact with her, he can live with the rest.

At the meowing he lightly rubs his fingers through the cat's fur.

"I'm starting to like it, too." He lightly lifts their hands. "It is getting easier. With you."

At her other question he lifts his shoulders in a small shrug. "I'm not sure." He hasn't slept in awhile, but the fight has also been draining. It's probably a combination of both. His gaze glances over her face. "It doesn't look like you slept all that well yesterday, either." He knows he's part of the reason for that and he feels a little bad for it.

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He proves her point. Lifting her hand, adding those little touches. Kaz has been holding onto her for a while witj¿hout struggle. In a way, it reflects what they have been through. They might have thought, there might be obstacles in the way. But when things feel right, it seems as if those troubles have meant nothing.

Things are sure feeling easier now.

"Good. Because I really like it too."

Will she be able to hold him one day? In a day like this one, it's probably the one thing Kate really longs for. But the way Kaz's thumb strokes her hand brings her back to Earth. It might look minimalistic, but she knows the weight and true meaning of having her hand held like this. Like its an every day thing.

"Come on," she tugs lightly on it. "Bring Kruge, there's no excuse this time. We both need rest our eyes for a minute." It's better than using the 'S word' with Kaz, Kate thinks as she smiles to herself. "And if you're not too drained I'll give you a good night's kiss."

The storm might be quieter now, but at least it keeps the room dark enough to keep up with that illusion.

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Kaz is a logical man most of the time. He knows he can't say he's tired and not expect her to follow up on it. He's fully aware he brought this insistence on himself, and therefore, he doesn't have an argumentative leg to stand on to oppose it. It's one thing when he's gone three days without sleep and keeps insisting he's fine and not weary, and it's another to admit it. They also just got out of one argument and he doesn't want to start another.

So he pushes himself up from his desk and slowly gets to his feet. He settles the cat on his shoulder as he takes his cane and walks to the bed. It's not a long trip since his attic office doubles as a bedroom. Kruge leaps off him and onto the mattress, always ready to nap. He sets the cane to rest against the bedside table and starts to take off at least his shoes and vest, to untuck his shirt. There's momentary debate about going to the restroom to wash up first but he deems it too much effort and instead lies down. He positions himself on the side of the bed that faces the door and window, so if anyone sneaked in, they'd have to go through him first. He's claimed that spot when they share a bed.

With his leg he can't comfortably lie on his side, so he sleeps on his back. His head turns though to look at her. "May I ask you something?"

[hawk_shot]

Things can truly be an emotional rollercoaster sometimes. Right now, Kate can barely believe they've both spent their night and good part of the day stewing on their own worries, their fears and pain. Now, it's crazy how things have changed. There's an odd softenss in the air, in the way she smiles at him as she watches him move. He might be tired, but that has little to do with the way he moves, how careful he is as he carries his cat as he limps his way to bed.

Even though she is well aware of which spot in the bed he'll take, Kate busies herself with her own little rituals. She makes her way to his door, locking up in case anyone intrudes. No, she's not thinking of getting naked this time, but sometimes she does take her top off in the middle of the night if the room feels too warm.

As she makes her way to bed, Kate reaches under her t-shirt to unclasp her bra, pulling a maneuver she's alread mastered to take off her underwear without having to remove her top first. Sitting on the side of the bed she's claimed as her own, she throws her bra on top of a chair before she removes her combat boots, kicking them off carelessly in the same chair's general direction. Finally, she removes her hair tie, letting that ponytail come undone as raven lockes fall down to her mid-back.

"Hmmmm?" Soon, she joins him in bed. Kruge lies down, stretched out between Kaz's legs and purring away. Kate rolls on her side and down, laying on her stomach. Like opposites, she lays on her stomach and Kaz on his back, watching each other, merely inches away from touching. Liek opposites that are pulled in by a stubborn kind of gravity. "Yeah, always. Shoot."

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He watches her as she moves and undresses. His dark gaze has its usual intensity, a focus that makes most unsettled when it rests upon them. Kate has never shied away from it, though. Then again, she's never seen him at his worst. She's never fully dealt with the Bastard of the Barrel. A good thing, he thinks, as usually it takes one of his loved ones to die or the loss of his home to bring the most feral aspect of him out. He wonders though if she did see him like that if she'd look at him any differently.

He wants to think she wouldn't.

He slowly unsnaps his gloves and tucks them under his pillow. The rain outside is a familiar sound, far more so than the rare times that there's sun. It can wash away so many of the little crimes and slights in the city, letting things pool into gutters or rinse through cracks. It's only those who spend their lives in such crevices that it all falls into their laps. Kaz likes ruling from the shadows. For all his fears of the ocean, he welcomes what thunder and lightening bring. It's just nice to have someone to share it with now.

The cat purrs between his legs, and the thrum of rain combines with it to make his eyelids droop. He studies her as she lies in the inverse position to him. "I'm used to fighting against someone. It's different to fight for something instead."

Okay. Maybe it's not so much a question as it is a statement, but he's tired and there is a hint of puzzlement in his voice over the concept, anyway. Perhaps he has fought for things in the past, but it's never been framed that way in his mind. Like he's willing to fight for his relationship with Kate.

[hawk_shot]

For a moment she says nothing, just watching him as he tries to unravel this riddle she's still waiting to slip off the tip of his tongue. But Kaz falls silent. His words take her aback to a time when things where simpler, when criminals were bad guys and heroes simply saved the day. Back when Kate would break the law thinking those little transgressions meant nothing. She had a goal to meet. She was looking forward to save the day. To one day follow Clint's massive footsteps, filling those soles an inch at a time.

But the future didn't bring her closer to fighting aliens or saving the city. Those petty crimes she commited became actual robbery and even assault. But its all about saving the underdog, isn't it? The underdogs that are now her family. These days she faces even worse criminals than the street gangs she used to fight.

Vigilante or thief, she's been someone fit for the Dregs for longer than she realized.

"Is there a question somewhere in there?" Amusement is obvious in her voice as the meaning of Kaz's words that, ironically, it catches her just around the corner, right as she teases him. She was so distracted by what her own definition of 'fighting for' is that she almost misses what she's got right under her nose.

Her hand, tucked against her shoulder, is inches away from Kaz's.

"You're not alone in this fight, you know?" She points out, only now realizing for how long she's been by herself without realizing it. Even in the most traditional sense of the word, she's been going out there in the night alone, Clint's lessons coming from calls as he enjoyed his retirement with his family.

It's been a long time since she's put a face to something worth fighting for.

Tipping the back of her hand towards his shoulder, she softly carresses it with her knuckles.

"I can be a total idiot sometimes. But I swear to you, there's nothing I want more than to stay here, by your side."

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As the very mature owner of a growing empire and leader of the Dregs, Kaz sticks his tongue out at Kate when she points out that his question isn't actually a question.

He stiffens at first at the touch, holding his breath and counting until he can adjust to it. He still has to prepare himself for contact, to brace and slowly let himself get acclimated. It's getting easier with Kate for him to fight back that initial wave of panic and remain stable at the contact. After he gives himself a few moments he reaches over to slowly, and lightly, clasp the hand that's touching him for a brief moment.

"No. I know I'm not alone. Neither are you." They've combined forces in many ways, and while they still had the occasional hiccup, their goals and interests were aligned. Sometimes Kaz found it hard to talk to others as the leader of the Dregs, to manage that dividing line between friend and boss. Sometimes he finds it hard to put into words anything about his feelings, or to touch upon his past. Sometimes he still tries to handle things by himself, like he's done a time or two with the Council. He does know though that at the end of the day, his crew has his back. Kate has his back. And there's nothing he won't do for them, either.

"I hope you know that. I think the crew knows." Right? Surely they know that Kaz is there for them. Even if he's never actually put that sentiment into words, aside from once with Inej.

[hawk_shot]

Kaz has certainly loosened up. From the way he can be dead serious, stoic as a marble sculpture only to act his age or even brattier as he sticks his tongue out at her. His muscles becoming tense at her touch but quickly adjuting, relaxing, welcoming it. Kate doesn't take as many careful steps around him anymore, doesn't fear he will break like crystal if she doens't warn him every time she'll touch him.

These days, she believes its better to take him by surprise, as long as she makes him feel safe first. Building up a mood or alone in only each other's company.

"I think the crew also thinks of the crew as family, Kaz." She squeezes his hand lightly before its gone again, the back of her fingers then resting briefly against his shoulder. She pulls them back only a few inches, wondering if he is able to see the little distance or feel it. Will he also tense up if he only thinks she is touching him?

"I don't know why it took us this long," she finally says, her tone a little playful. "We already knew we love each other, right? I mean, I would have bet on us, don't know about you."

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The timing and circumstance upon which they touch does matter. He's naturally more on edge when they're not alone, not wanting to risk cracking the fortress built around himself in front of others. If he's not feeling well or in a bad mood, he also doesn't want to be touched. Right now though is different. It's a rare quiet moment between the two of them. Even the Slat is as quiet as it gets in general, in those late afternoon hours before nighttime business really starts. A part of Kaz feels like he should be up and working while he knows others are not, getting further ahead in a race that exists only in his mind.

Being here with Kate though also feels important. Like simply existing with her now is adding a building block towards what they're making together.

He can sense when her hand moves away from him. He shifts himself upwards on the pillow a little to get a better angle, then daringly reaches out to lightly touch her hair. Even without his gloves it feels different than touching pure skin and he lets out a little sigh of relief. The dark strands are soft and he's sleepy, and it's easy to become memorized in the light strokes. It's very gentle, just skimming the surface of her hair rather than a head massage, but it's another form of touch. His eyes are fighting not to close, the soft haze of sleep like a weighted blanket. He's normally stressed and terrified to sleep, waiting until his body passes out on him. Moments like this are rare.

"Yes," he says quietly. "I would have bet on us." There's a long pause before he admits, "I guess it's just not a word I use often. Or at all in the past fifteen years. Give or take." He's in his middle twenties now, and the last time he said those words his father had still been alive. Even with Jordie, there had been brotherly love, but a nine and thirteen year old weren't saying that phrase to one another. It had been shown through Jordie's attempt to get Kaz into school. Actions, once again, being the bedrock of Kaz's form of communication. "It doesn't feel like anything has changed on my end to hear it. But it matters to me since it matters to you to hear it." It's not that he dislikes hearing it, it's nice to have Kate say. She's right though that the words in and of themselves aren't a revelation for him. The fact that she is here, with him, that means everything. "That you're here to say it, that's what I remember."