Kaz is glad that Max moves to get his guitar to give him time to ruminate on the question. He’s far out of his depth right now. It’s not that he feels beholden to societal norms he’s never bothered to embrace, but more that he doesn’t know what would be the best answer for them. He can’t plot and plan ten steps ahead right now to ensure his dynamic with Max remains smooth, and that’s difficult for Kaz as a man who likes to always be ahead of every game. What did being together mean? What should it look like? Those were probably questions and conversations they should have together to ensure they were on the same page. What it means to one person might not match up with the other.
He stops overthinking everything, twisting and turning the puzzle around and around to have it make sense, when Max starts playing. Kaz isn’t very musically knowledgeable, but even he knows Elton John and the song being played. He leans against the wall, cane quietly resting at his side, not wanting to interrupt and break the spell as the other man plays. His heart does a funny flop at it, the nerves in his stomach fluttering again. He’s put up so many hard lines and walls over the years that nobody, not even those dearest to him, usually try to make overt emotional gestures. Certainly nobody’s ever serenaded him before now. His face feels a little hot from it, some redness rising up from his collar. Reaching up a free hand he scratches at it.
The broad lines of Max’s shoulders ripple as he plays, and Kaz thinks he can see emotions on Max’s face as the man gets into the song and lyrics. He lets silence spread for a few moments after the song ends before he says quietly, “You’re really talented. I think that would make Sir Elton John proud. Thank you. For sharing that with me.” He has two books that he plucks off Max’s shelf to look at later, because he’s just that large a book nerd, but he just sets them on the coffee table and perches on the sofa’s armrest. Feet on the floor, his cane he sets between his legs, rolling the head of it between his fingers to keep them busy.
Another pause as he tries to figure out how best to approach answering Max’s question. “As I said, I’m not seeing anybody else. I’m open to exploring what there is between us, now that things are laid on the table. With that said… it’s all new. If you are seeing someone else, or want the option, it doesn’t have to be exclusive right now. What it means to be together, what that looks like… I suppose there’s no set in stone answer that applies to everyone, is there? It might be something we figure out as we go, but if there’s anything you want or need, if there are elements that are non-negotiables for you, we should probably talk about that. Right?” That made practical sense to Kaz, even if he knew not all of this could be practical.
It's there in Kaz's eyes, that deep quizzical, analytical brain of his working overtime as Max plays. The cowboy knows that he put a beaut of a question out there, and while he slowly loses himself in the song, there's a conscious level that wonders where they will land on the other side of it. Did he move too fast, is he going to sink all of this before he can begin. That's a habit of this highly emotional creature. Falling into Elton John, Max allows himself the moment of creativity, of hope and enlightenment before he climbs back out to reality.
It had been a few seconds that he took for himself, but it was enough. It was nice to see that he wasn't the only one affected by the words and the gentle adagio of the music as it moved through the room. Maybe the song had been for more than Kaz, but for Max as well. It settled his mind and nerves as he sat there. Still. He sets the guitar aside and watches as the cane moves around the other male's body a small tell. Max has his own as he fidgets with his belt buckle, something that's obviously a few sizes too big-- and most certainly a part of his cowboy heritage. "Thank you. I dearly love that song. It's one of the first that I learned, and it never ceases to move me when I sing it."
The pause is expected, as is the sharp look in Kaz's eyes. His answer is not unexpected, insomuch that it speaks toward their very unique situation. "I don't want or need to see anyone else. You are the only one that I care to see, or want to date as it might be now or in the future. I am honestly open to your pace. Obviously. In my opinion, being together, or dating a person, being a couple is exactly as you describe it. It's two people learning what it means to be together, finding out what motivates one another and what they share in common or what makes them opposites. It's finding laughter and enjoying time together. It's learning. I mean, I don't need a title, so that's fine. I ... guess...I would like to be exclusive, if that's okay. I've been pretty messed up before in things that I thought were, and ended up not being, or by people who wanted to see lots of other people at the same time as me. I mean, if that's what you want, that's cool too. I guess, I'd want to know, and I'd probably just go my own way."
He sits quiet for a second and then bites his lip, and runs a finger down his leg. "Do you have anything that would be hard no for you, or things I don't know about that I shouldn't do, or things that would prevent us from moving forward right now?"
“I like the message of it,” Kaz agrees about the song. He often leans towards large gestures to speak for himself, but that’s not something he expects or needs. It isn’t the only way to show affection. “Little things can speak volumes. Just showing up goes a lot farther than most people think.” Loyalty means so very much to him. He’s had people try and look out for him until their dying breath. There are people he’d do the same for now. Some of his dearest memories are simply sitting in silence with someone as the sun rises, or wolfing down meals in between heists. Giving a coat to someone who needs it. Turning up for a fight simply to have another’s back. Kaz certainly doesn’t need houses or sculptures, he can afford those on his own. What he can’t do by himself is think the world is better off with him in it.
What Max says sounds reasonable to him. Honestly, Kaz has only ever been attracted to two people prior to Max, anyway. He’s seen dancers or passing people and found them pretty or handsome, but genuine interest in getting closer to them has been an extremely rare occurrence in his life. Not dating around, given he’s yet to even have dated once, is slim to nonexistent. While it might seem swift to move into being exclusive, it isn’t a dealbreaker for Kaz. “That’s fine. I don’t date much,” he replies with a small lift of his shoulder, before pausing and admitting in a lower voice, “I’ve never dated, actually.” While Kaz scoffs at societal rules and norms, he’s also aware that such an admittance might seem odd to others. “There was someone, once, but we could never get ourselves together enough to make it happen.” He doesn’t really count Imogen back when he was fourteen, but Inej was different. There had been a chance of something once, and they’re still best friends even if their trajectories parted ways.
As the question is turned on him Kaz pauses again, giving it due consideration and flexing emotional muscles long since atrophied. The large potential barrier they’ve already covered, that Max would need to be patient with Kaz as he works through his touch trauma. “I’m pretty low maintenance, I think,” he says with a slight crooked grin. As usual the left corner of his mouth gets the workout, sliding upwards slightly and briefly. His fingers lightly drum on his cane’s handle, finding the solid metal soothing. “Processing time, I guess? I don’t do well with being thrown into an emotional conversation and having to hash it out right then and there. Sometimes when things happen, I need time alone first.” His natural instinct is to shut down and go into survivor mode, and nothing productive ever happens if he tries to have an honest vulnerable conversation that he hasn’t prepped himself to handle first.
Little things are very important to Max as well. He missed those in all the grand gestures that seemed so forced in his last relationship, the one that ended before he went to Oasis, before his life changed so dramatically. A relationship like this might not have been on his radar previously. Yet now, it was all he could see. There was a person who moved his heart and that was all Max needed, simple little gestures, honest conversation, good meals, evening drinks, and nights watching the stars together. It was good.
Maybe it should have surprised Max that Kaz hadn't dated, but he didn't show it. All he did was smile. "That's fine with me. That only means that we get to take our time figuring out all of this together, just you and I. It can be whatever we make of it." There were a few in Max's past, only two people he really dated honestly. One person that hurt him deeply, and one that he held onto for the sake of holding onto, even if they weren't right for one another in the end. He shrugs. "I've only really dated two people. I thought I loved once, but I'm not sure it was deep enough, or touched that space in me. I have more, needed more, I imagine." It didn't matter any longer. It was far enough gone that he cherished the memories, and lived for the present now.
Listening to Kaz, Max nodded. It made perfect sense, and was so very like the man he knew. He couldn't honestly have expected anything else. "You can text me again when you want. I won't pressure you. Take your time to digest our talk tonight, and the things that happen as they do. Let me know if I move faster than you're ready for too, okay?" Max was open and he was fine with moving at whatever speed they needed, but he would need help in knowing occasionally how fast that was-- because he already knew that he was ahead of where Kaz was in this, and would be for a while.
Hearing about Max’s past, Kaz simply nods. It doesn’t bother him when he hears about Max’s past relationships, it never has. Life feels both too short yet too crammed for him to wish Max anything but the full spectrum of experience. For all of the many negative emotions that Kaz has thrived off of in his life, jealousy has never been one of them. He’s always been far too focused on himself and his goals to care about how someone else is faring in comparison unless it’s to see how to take them down out of revenge. It does mean that they’re starting off perhaps on different experience levels unlike Kaz potentially had with Inej, but Kaz figures that every relationship is unique enough to where nobody could really master them the way that other types of practice did. “Not following rules and making something on my own terms is how I prefer to go through life,” he assures Max. “Though yes, in this case, it would be our terms.” While Kaz is an extremely stubborn man when it comes to his work, he likes to think he’s more flexible in his social circles. He doesn’t make it just about himself. “And it’s okay if you were madly in love, you know. It’s also fine if you weren’t, but I like hearing about times in your life when you were happy.”
He stops twirling his cane for a moment, just resting his fingers on it. The cane is so much more than just his mobility aid. It’s an extension of his body and it’s a source of comfort and strength. Even when a gun might be a more suitable weapon, Kaz feels vulnerable without having the heft of the reinforced cane in his other hand. When one of his crew had been badly hurt and scared, he’d left his cane with her while he went to handle business as a silent way of showing support. Now he gently reaches out to let the crow’s head part gently tap Max’s knee. A touch without needing his fingers. “Of course I’ll text you.” It’s said with a slight smile. “I appreciate the understanding, though. I’ll let you know if things are moving too fast. Right now, I’d rather be here than away texting.” He then lets his cane rest against the side of the sofa as he slides down from sitting on the arm of the sofa to sit on the cushion proper. Still not touching, but closer.
Leaning forward, he picks up a piece of the flatbread he brought. Like the canal rat he is, he picks at the toppings rather than taking a proper bite. He needs something in his belly to go with the whiskey. “Tell me another memory that makes you happy?” he requests, as it seems like a time to focus on the positive. “It can but doesn’t have to be romance related.”
For once it's nice not to have to worry about someone and their preconceived notions of his relationships good or bad. They are his past and while he may reminisce and remind himself of the lessons he's learned, or allow himself to miss a few of the more intense feelings one of them inspired, they are very much in the past and Max will always allow them to stay there. He learned quite a good deal ago to let the past lie in the past. Life is what is made of it, and the future will always take care of itself.
They were very hard won lessons, but the cowboy learned them well. Turning to smile at Kaz as he falls further down on the couch, Max lays a hand near him and feels much the same way. There's nothing that bothers him about Kaz's experience or lack of. They will go as they will. He twists his lips to the side. "I think I feel more nostalgic about the relationship that hurt me the most, but it hurt the most because I cared more deeply, more passionately. He and I ..." Max thinks about it... "We burned bright and hot, but he wanted more than one person after we had said words of love, and that wasn't how I worked. I tried, but it - it twisted me up inside, and then he pushed me away because he thought I was smothering." Max shrugged. It was a strange time in his life.
How could a man be smothering when he craved time, and well, possibly more than the other could give in the way of wanting all of one person. In thinking further, Max sits and watches the way Kaz picks at his food. It's become an endearing trait, even if the ex-sheriff thinks that Kaz should probably take in more nourishment. He keeps a close eye on the man he cares for, and always tries to make sure that there's at least a little food that makes it beyond those beautiful lips.
He'd be lying if he said he hadn't thought about what it'd be like to kiss them on occasion, or to do much more. That's Max though. He's always been physical with people, but for this, he'd let it all go. Even the tap of the cane earlier was enough. It brought a small level of goosebumps along his arms that he didn't bother to acknowledge, beyond a widening grin.
"Another happy memory. So many of them include my siblings, and a lot have to do with the little things that we'd find out about our history here and there, but there was a lot of danger and unhappiness during that time too. I was hurting myself, and died, and then took drugs and almost died again." Max runs his fingers through his hair and drinks a sip from his glass. "I think when I came back from Oasis, and was working to find myself... I drove out to the shore, the Pacific. I'd always said that I would. I was in San Diego at the time, and there were so many people. I'd found this little hole in the wall to stay in on the beach. It was so beautiful though. The waves, the sound of it at night. The way the breeze would blow in and catch the curtains of my room first thing in the morning. It was such a different beauty from the desert, but I loved it all. The smell, the salt air that always seemed to land on everything. I wasn't into spending time with people, but I still loved to watch them, the way the women would dress up to go to the beach, their mimosas and gawdy baubles. It was hilarious and wonderful. A happy time during a rough patch in my life. How about you, do you have a memory to share?"
Given he’s spent most of his life in Ketterdam’s Barrel, Kaz knows full well the intermingling of horror and hope. The ever-present overcast skies rarely let shards of light shine through, and the same could be said for the life experiences of those who live in the narrow city streets. Kaz is learning though to soak them up when they happen, to silently bask as those small moments of joy slip through his shields. Rather than talk on the dark violence and desolation that accompanies them, he only speaks now on the positive that interweaves through those times. “Me? Let’s see. The first time I broke into the Boeksplein is pretty high on the list. There are four libraries built around a central courtyard in the university district. One of the libraries holds the rare books room. It has the most incredible manuscripts preserved there, and intricate maps on the walls. I went in there for a job, and I’ve been back a few times since for other work, but every time I hate to leave. I’m fine never having gone to school, I learned perfectly well teaching myself, but there’s something a little incredible at the thought of dedicating years of one’s life simply to study. That first time going in there, seeing the warm lighting, the reverence for the pages, the quiet intensity of the cushioned reading spaces, the sheer amount of knowledge available at one’s fingertips… I don’t know that I’ve ever felt anything quite like that since.”
He gives a little shrug, knowing full well how nerdy it sounds, but also that Max values such things, too. Jordie and his father had always wanted Kaz to go to school, to put his restless mind to good use, but Kaz has long since made peace with his life having gone down a different path. Still, he does love knowledge and learning, it’s one of the rare memories that makes him feel young again. If he ever gave himself a break he’d spend an entire day and night in a library reading for pleasure. He’d tour the world to see all the libraries the world had to offer. It’s a pipe dream, one he knows he won’t smoke, but every time a job requires him to break into a place full of books, Kaz feels oddly at home.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2023-08-12 01:04 pm (UTC)He stops overthinking everything, twisting and turning the puzzle around and around to have it make sense, when Max starts playing. Kaz isn’t very musically knowledgeable, but even he knows Elton John and the song being played. He leans against the wall, cane quietly resting at his side, not wanting to interrupt and break the spell as the other man plays. His heart does a funny flop at it, the nerves in his stomach fluttering again. He’s put up so many hard lines and walls over the years that nobody, not even those dearest to him, usually try to make overt emotional gestures. Certainly nobody’s ever serenaded him before now. His face feels a little hot from it, some redness rising up from his collar. Reaching up a free hand he scratches at it.
The broad lines of Max’s shoulders ripple as he plays, and Kaz thinks he can see emotions on Max’s face as the man gets into the song and lyrics. He lets silence spread for a few moments after the song ends before he says quietly, “You’re really talented. I think that would make Sir Elton John proud. Thank you. For sharing that with me.” He has two books that he plucks off Max’s shelf to look at later, because he’s just that large a book nerd, but he just sets them on the coffee table and perches on the sofa’s armrest. Feet on the floor, his cane he sets between his legs, rolling the head of it between his fingers to keep them busy.
Another pause as he tries to figure out how best to approach answering Max’s question. “As I said, I’m not seeing anybody else. I’m open to exploring what there is between us, now that things are laid on the table. With that said… it’s all new. If you are seeing someone else, or want the option, it doesn’t have to be exclusive right now. What it means to be together, what that looks like… I suppose there’s no set in stone answer that applies to everyone, is there? It might be something we figure out as we go, but if there’s anything you want or need, if there are elements that are non-negotiables for you, we should probably talk about that. Right?” That made practical sense to Kaz, even if he knew not all of this could be practical.
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Date: 2023-08-13 09:00 pm (UTC)It had been a few seconds that he took for himself, but it was enough. It was nice to see that he wasn't the only one affected by the words and the gentle adagio of the music as it moved through the room. Maybe the song had been for more than Kaz, but for Max as well. It settled his mind and nerves as he sat there. Still. He sets the guitar aside and watches as the cane moves around the other male's body a small tell. Max has his own as he fidgets with his belt buckle, something that's obviously a few sizes too big-- and most certainly a part of his cowboy heritage. "Thank you. I dearly love that song. It's one of the first that I learned, and it never ceases to move me when I sing it."
The pause is expected, as is the sharp look in Kaz's eyes. His answer is not unexpected, insomuch that it speaks toward their very unique situation. "I don't want or need to see anyone else. You are the only one that I care to see, or want to date as it might be now or in the future. I am honestly open to your pace. Obviously. In my opinion, being together, or dating a person, being a couple is exactly as you describe it. It's two people learning what it means to be together, finding out what motivates one another and what they share in common or what makes them opposites. It's finding laughter and enjoying time together. It's learning. I mean, I don't need a title, so that's fine. I ... guess...I would like to be exclusive, if that's okay. I've been pretty messed up before in things that I thought were, and ended up not being, or by people who wanted to see lots of other people at the same time as me. I mean, if that's what you want, that's cool too. I guess, I'd want to know, and I'd probably just go my own way."
He sits quiet for a second and then bites his lip, and runs a finger down his leg. "Do you have anything that would be hard no for you, or things I don't know about that I shouldn't do, or things that would prevent us from moving forward right now?"
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Date: 2023-08-19 12:43 pm (UTC)What Max says sounds reasonable to him. Honestly, Kaz has only ever been attracted to two people prior to Max, anyway. He’s seen dancers or passing people and found them pretty or handsome, but genuine interest in getting closer to them has been an extremely rare occurrence in his life. Not dating around, given he’s yet to even have dated once, is slim to nonexistent. While it might seem swift to move into being exclusive, it isn’t a dealbreaker for Kaz. “That’s fine. I don’t date much,” he replies with a small lift of his shoulder, before pausing and admitting in a lower voice, “I’ve never dated, actually.” While Kaz scoffs at societal rules and norms, he’s also aware that such an admittance might seem odd to others. “There was someone, once, but we could never get ourselves together enough to make it happen.” He doesn’t really count Imogen back when he was fourteen, but Inej was different. There had been a chance of something once, and they’re still best friends even if their trajectories parted ways.
As the question is turned on him Kaz pauses again, giving it due consideration and flexing emotional muscles long since atrophied. The large potential barrier they’ve already covered, that Max would need to be patient with Kaz as he works through his touch trauma. “I’m pretty low maintenance, I think,” he says with a slight crooked grin. As usual the left corner of his mouth gets the workout, sliding upwards slightly and briefly. His fingers lightly drum on his cane’s handle, finding the solid metal soothing. “Processing time, I guess? I don’t do well with being thrown into an emotional conversation and having to hash it out right then and there. Sometimes when things happen, I need time alone first.” His natural instinct is to shut down and go into survivor mode, and nothing productive ever happens if he tries to have an honest vulnerable conversation that he hasn’t prepped himself to handle first.
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Date: 2023-08-20 11:29 pm (UTC)Maybe it should have surprised Max that Kaz hadn't dated, but he didn't show it. All he did was smile. "That's fine with me. That only means that we get to take our time figuring out all of this together, just you and I. It can be whatever we make of it." There were a few in Max's past, only two people he really dated honestly. One person that hurt him deeply, and one that he held onto for the sake of holding onto, even if they weren't right for one another in the end. He shrugs. "I've only really dated two people. I thought I loved once, but I'm not sure it was deep enough, or touched that space in me. I have more, needed more, I imagine." It didn't matter any longer. It was far enough gone that he cherished the memories, and lived for the present now.
Listening to Kaz, Max nodded. It made perfect sense, and was so very like the man he knew. He couldn't honestly have expected anything else. "You can text me again when you want. I won't pressure you. Take your time to digest our talk tonight, and the things that happen as they do. Let me know if I move faster than you're ready for too, okay?" Max was open and he was fine with moving at whatever speed they needed, but he would need help in knowing occasionally how fast that was-- because he already knew that he was ahead of where Kaz was in this, and would be for a while.
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Date: 2023-08-26 01:23 pm (UTC)He stops twirling his cane for a moment, just resting his fingers on it. The cane is so much more than just his mobility aid. It’s an extension of his body and it’s a source of comfort and strength. Even when a gun might be a more suitable weapon, Kaz feels vulnerable without having the heft of the reinforced cane in his other hand. When one of his crew had been badly hurt and scared, he’d left his cane with her while he went to handle business as a silent way of showing support. Now he gently reaches out to let the crow’s head part gently tap Max’s knee. A touch without needing his fingers. “Of course I’ll text you.” It’s said with a slight smile. “I appreciate the understanding, though. I’ll let you know if things are moving too fast. Right now, I’d rather be here than away texting.” He then lets his cane rest against the side of the sofa as he slides down from sitting on the arm of the sofa to sit on the cushion proper. Still not touching, but closer.
Leaning forward, he picks up a piece of the flatbread he brought. Like the canal rat he is, he picks at the toppings rather than taking a proper bite. He needs something in his belly to go with the whiskey. “Tell me another memory that makes you happy?” he requests, as it seems like a time to focus on the positive. “It can but doesn’t have to be romance related.”
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Date: 2023-08-26 06:33 pm (UTC)They were very hard won lessons, but the cowboy learned them well. Turning to smile at Kaz as he falls further down on the couch, Max lays a hand near him and feels much the same way. There's nothing that bothers him about Kaz's experience or lack of. They will go as they will. He twists his lips to the side. "I think I feel more nostalgic about the relationship that hurt me the most, but it hurt the most because I cared more deeply, more passionately. He and I ..." Max thinks about it... "We burned bright and hot, but he wanted more than one person after we had said words of love, and that wasn't how I worked. I tried, but it - it twisted me up inside, and then he pushed me away because he thought I was smothering." Max shrugged. It was a strange time in his life.
How could a man be smothering when he craved time, and well, possibly more than the other could give in the way of wanting all of one person. In thinking further, Max sits and watches the way Kaz picks at his food. It's become an endearing trait, even if the ex-sheriff thinks that Kaz should probably take in more nourishment. He keeps a close eye on the man he cares for, and always tries to make sure that there's at least a little food that makes it beyond those beautiful lips.
He'd be lying if he said he hadn't thought about what it'd be like to kiss them on occasion, or to do much more. That's Max though. He's always been physical with people, but for this, he'd let it all go. Even the tap of the cane earlier was enough. It brought a small level of goosebumps along his arms that he didn't bother to acknowledge, beyond a widening grin.
"Another happy memory. So many of them include my siblings, and a lot have to do with the little things that we'd find out about our history here and there, but there was a lot of danger and unhappiness during that time too. I was hurting myself, and died, and then took drugs and almost died again." Max runs his fingers through his hair and drinks a sip from his glass. "I think when I came back from Oasis, and was working to find myself... I drove out to the shore, the Pacific. I'd always said that I would. I was in San Diego at the time, and there were so many people. I'd found this little hole in the wall to stay in on the beach. It was so beautiful though. The waves, the sound of it at night. The way the breeze would blow in and catch the curtains of my room first thing in the morning. It was such a different beauty from the desert, but I loved it all. The smell, the salt air that always seemed to land on everything. I wasn't into spending time with people, but I still loved to watch them, the way the women would dress up to go to the beach, their mimosas and gawdy baubles. It was hilarious and wonderful. A happy time during a rough patch in my life. How about you, do you have a memory to share?"
no subject
Date: 2023-08-27 01:21 pm (UTC)He gives a little shrug, knowing full well how nerdy it sounds, but also that Max values such things, too. Jordie and his father had always wanted Kaz to go to school, to put his restless mind to good use, but Kaz has long since made peace with his life having gone down a different path. Still, he does love knowledge and learning, it’s one of the rare memories that makes him feel young again. If he ever gave himself a break he’d spend an entire day and night in a library reading for pleasure. He’d tour the world to see all the libraries the world had to offer. It’s a pipe dream, one he knows he won’t smoke, but every time a job requires him to break into a place full of books, Kaz feels oddly at home.