Hearing about Max’s past, Kaz simply nods. It doesn’t bother him when he hears about Max’s past relationships, it never has. Life feels both too short yet too crammed for him to wish Max anything but the full spectrum of experience. For all of the many negative emotions that Kaz has thrived off of in his life, jealousy has never been one of them. He’s always been far too focused on himself and his goals to care about how someone else is faring in comparison unless it’s to see how to take them down out of revenge. It does mean that they’re starting off perhaps on different experience levels unlike Kaz potentially had with Inej, but Kaz figures that every relationship is unique enough to where nobody could really master them the way that other types of practice did. “Not following rules and making something on my own terms is how I prefer to go through life,” he assures Max. “Though yes, in this case, it would be our terms.” While Kaz is an extremely stubborn man when it comes to his work, he likes to think he’s more flexible in his social circles. He doesn’t make it just about himself. “And it’s okay if you were madly in love, you know. It’s also fine if you weren’t, but I like hearing about times in your life when you were happy.”
He stops twirling his cane for a moment, just resting his fingers on it. The cane is so much more than just his mobility aid. It’s an extension of his body and it’s a source of comfort and strength. Even when a gun might be a more suitable weapon, Kaz feels vulnerable without having the heft of the reinforced cane in his other hand. When one of his crew had been badly hurt and scared, he’d left his cane with her while he went to handle business as a silent way of showing support. Now he gently reaches out to let the crow’s head part gently tap Max’s knee. A touch without needing his fingers. “Of course I’ll text you.” It’s said with a slight smile. “I appreciate the understanding, though. I’ll let you know if things are moving too fast. Right now, I’d rather be here than away texting.” He then lets his cane rest against the side of the sofa as he slides down from sitting on the arm of the sofa to sit on the cushion proper. Still not touching, but closer.
Leaning forward, he picks up a piece of the flatbread he brought. Like the canal rat he is, he picks at the toppings rather than taking a proper bite. He needs something in his belly to go with the whiskey. “Tell me another memory that makes you happy?” he requests, as it seems like a time to focus on the positive. “It can but doesn’t have to be romance related.”
For once it's nice not to have to worry about someone and their preconceived notions of his relationships good or bad. They are his past and while he may reminisce and remind himself of the lessons he's learned, or allow himself to miss a few of the more intense feelings one of them inspired, they are very much in the past and Max will always allow them to stay there. He learned quite a good deal ago to let the past lie in the past. Life is what is made of it, and the future will always take care of itself.
They were very hard won lessons, but the cowboy learned them well. Turning to smile at Kaz as he falls further down on the couch, Max lays a hand near him and feels much the same way. There's nothing that bothers him about Kaz's experience or lack of. They will go as they will. He twists his lips to the side. "I think I feel more nostalgic about the relationship that hurt me the most, but it hurt the most because I cared more deeply, more passionately. He and I ..." Max thinks about it... "We burned bright and hot, but he wanted more than one person after we had said words of love, and that wasn't how I worked. I tried, but it - it twisted me up inside, and then he pushed me away because he thought I was smothering." Max shrugged. It was a strange time in his life.
How could a man be smothering when he craved time, and well, possibly more than the other could give in the way of wanting all of one person. In thinking further, Max sits and watches the way Kaz picks at his food. It's become an endearing trait, even if the ex-sheriff thinks that Kaz should probably take in more nourishment. He keeps a close eye on the man he cares for, and always tries to make sure that there's at least a little food that makes it beyond those beautiful lips.
He'd be lying if he said he hadn't thought about what it'd be like to kiss them on occasion, or to do much more. That's Max though. He's always been physical with people, but for this, he'd let it all go. Even the tap of the cane earlier was enough. It brought a small level of goosebumps along his arms that he didn't bother to acknowledge, beyond a widening grin.
"Another happy memory. So many of them include my siblings, and a lot have to do with the little things that we'd find out about our history here and there, but there was a lot of danger and unhappiness during that time too. I was hurting myself, and died, and then took drugs and almost died again." Max runs his fingers through his hair and drinks a sip from his glass. "I think when I came back from Oasis, and was working to find myself... I drove out to the shore, the Pacific. I'd always said that I would. I was in San Diego at the time, and there were so many people. I'd found this little hole in the wall to stay in on the beach. It was so beautiful though. The waves, the sound of it at night. The way the breeze would blow in and catch the curtains of my room first thing in the morning. It was such a different beauty from the desert, but I loved it all. The smell, the salt air that always seemed to land on everything. I wasn't into spending time with people, but I still loved to watch them, the way the women would dress up to go to the beach, their mimosas and gawdy baubles. It was hilarious and wonderful. A happy time during a rough patch in my life. How about you, do you have a memory to share?"
Given he’s spent most of his life in Ketterdam’s Barrel, Kaz knows full well the intermingling of horror and hope. The ever-present overcast skies rarely let shards of light shine through, and the same could be said for the life experiences of those who live in the narrow city streets. Kaz is learning though to soak them up when they happen, to silently bask as those small moments of joy slip through his shields. Rather than talk on the dark violence and desolation that accompanies them, he only speaks now on the positive that interweaves through those times. “Me? Let’s see. The first time I broke into the Boeksplein is pretty high on the list. There are four libraries built around a central courtyard in the university district. One of the libraries holds the rare books room. It has the most incredible manuscripts preserved there, and intricate maps on the walls. I went in there for a job, and I’ve been back a few times since for other work, but every time I hate to leave. I’m fine never having gone to school, I learned perfectly well teaching myself, but there’s something a little incredible at the thought of dedicating years of one’s life simply to study. That first time going in there, seeing the warm lighting, the reverence for the pages, the quiet intensity of the cushioned reading spaces, the sheer amount of knowledge available at one’s fingertips… I don’t know that I’ve ever felt anything quite like that since.”
He gives a little shrug, knowing full well how nerdy it sounds, but also that Max values such things, too. Jordie and his father had always wanted Kaz to go to school, to put his restless mind to good use, but Kaz has long since made peace with his life having gone down a different path. Still, he does love knowledge and learning, it’s one of the rare memories that makes him feel young again. If he ever gave himself a break he’d spend an entire day and night in a library reading for pleasure. He’d tour the world to see all the libraries the world had to offer. It’s a pipe dream, one he knows he won’t smoke, but every time a job requires him to break into a place full of books, Kaz feels oddly at home.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2023-08-26 01:23 pm (UTC)He stops twirling his cane for a moment, just resting his fingers on it. The cane is so much more than just his mobility aid. It’s an extension of his body and it’s a source of comfort and strength. Even when a gun might be a more suitable weapon, Kaz feels vulnerable without having the heft of the reinforced cane in his other hand. When one of his crew had been badly hurt and scared, he’d left his cane with her while he went to handle business as a silent way of showing support. Now he gently reaches out to let the crow’s head part gently tap Max’s knee. A touch without needing his fingers. “Of course I’ll text you.” It’s said with a slight smile. “I appreciate the understanding, though. I’ll let you know if things are moving too fast. Right now, I’d rather be here than away texting.” He then lets his cane rest against the side of the sofa as he slides down from sitting on the arm of the sofa to sit on the cushion proper. Still not touching, but closer.
Leaning forward, he picks up a piece of the flatbread he brought. Like the canal rat he is, he picks at the toppings rather than taking a proper bite. He needs something in his belly to go with the whiskey. “Tell me another memory that makes you happy?” he requests, as it seems like a time to focus on the positive. “It can but doesn’t have to be romance related.”
no subject
Date: 2023-08-26 06:33 pm (UTC)They were very hard won lessons, but the cowboy learned them well. Turning to smile at Kaz as he falls further down on the couch, Max lays a hand near him and feels much the same way. There's nothing that bothers him about Kaz's experience or lack of. They will go as they will. He twists his lips to the side. "I think I feel more nostalgic about the relationship that hurt me the most, but it hurt the most because I cared more deeply, more passionately. He and I ..." Max thinks about it... "We burned bright and hot, but he wanted more than one person after we had said words of love, and that wasn't how I worked. I tried, but it - it twisted me up inside, and then he pushed me away because he thought I was smothering." Max shrugged. It was a strange time in his life.
How could a man be smothering when he craved time, and well, possibly more than the other could give in the way of wanting all of one person. In thinking further, Max sits and watches the way Kaz picks at his food. It's become an endearing trait, even if the ex-sheriff thinks that Kaz should probably take in more nourishment. He keeps a close eye on the man he cares for, and always tries to make sure that there's at least a little food that makes it beyond those beautiful lips.
He'd be lying if he said he hadn't thought about what it'd be like to kiss them on occasion, or to do much more. That's Max though. He's always been physical with people, but for this, he'd let it all go. Even the tap of the cane earlier was enough. It brought a small level of goosebumps along his arms that he didn't bother to acknowledge, beyond a widening grin.
"Another happy memory. So many of them include my siblings, and a lot have to do with the little things that we'd find out about our history here and there, but there was a lot of danger and unhappiness during that time too. I was hurting myself, and died, and then took drugs and almost died again." Max runs his fingers through his hair and drinks a sip from his glass. "I think when I came back from Oasis, and was working to find myself... I drove out to the shore, the Pacific. I'd always said that I would. I was in San Diego at the time, and there were so many people. I'd found this little hole in the wall to stay in on the beach. It was so beautiful though. The waves, the sound of it at night. The way the breeze would blow in and catch the curtains of my room first thing in the morning. It was such a different beauty from the desert, but I loved it all. The smell, the salt air that always seemed to land on everything. I wasn't into spending time with people, but I still loved to watch them, the way the women would dress up to go to the beach, their mimosas and gawdy baubles. It was hilarious and wonderful. A happy time during a rough patch in my life. How about you, do you have a memory to share?"
no subject
Date: 2023-08-27 01:21 pm (UTC)He gives a little shrug, knowing full well how nerdy it sounds, but also that Max values such things, too. Jordie and his father had always wanted Kaz to go to school, to put his restless mind to good use, but Kaz has long since made peace with his life having gone down a different path. Still, he does love knowledge and learning, it’s one of the rare memories that makes him feel young again. If he ever gave himself a break he’d spend an entire day and night in a library reading for pleasure. He’d tour the world to see all the libraries the world had to offer. It’s a pipe dream, one he knows he won’t smoke, but every time a job requires him to break into a place full of books, Kaz feels oddly at home.