noreasonneeded | IC/Overflow Post

I know.

[ She says it softly. It's weird talking to him like this. She knows what her quarters sound like with his voice echoing through it from a device she's grateful for, but she doesn't quite know how he fits inside of it or how his unfiltered voice would sound. It's strange to be close to him but still so far away. ]

But if it wasn't for it, then we wouldn't be talking at all. I love the letters, but this… [ It's better. The letters let her hold something tangible in her hands to reread over and over when she feels lonely amongst her crew, but this allows her to feel as though she's present. ]

I'm glad I get to talk to you. [ She smiles and it warms her voice. ] I'm pretty sure I know exactly what you're doing right now, too.

It is better than letter writing. [It's in real time for one, no delays on what's happening. For another, he can hear her voice and what's going on around her. Whether she's happy or tired, excited or sad. Tone is helpful and too easily masked in written words.] And it leaves your hands free to fondle your knives as we talk.

[His belly gets a small knot of nerves that he dismisses as silly at her next words. He's hardly doing anything scandalous, sitting at his desk pouring over plans. It's what Inej has always done, she watches him.]

Oh? And what am I doing?

[ She pauses for a short moment that she knows he'll notice. He clocks everything. ]

Well, you were washing.

[ Now she wishes Kaz was the type to either flush and laugh it away or bumble and ignore what she's said. She's left it wide open for him to ask that question, and now she's flushing furiously hot.

Neither of them has ever really brought attention to the moments when she sits in his room and he strips and washes. It's always been some unspoken thing she knows he doesn't do with anyone else. And now she's brought attention to it, a part of her worries she's ruined it all for the future. ]

Your face, probably. [ There's no point in telling him she heard water; he'd easily deduce that, given he's the one she's listening to. But Inej is nothing if not stubborn, and so she pursues answering with the truth. ] I don't think you've done anything else.

[He notes the pause, but it's only when she speaks that he figures out why.

Oh. He thought she was going to say sitting at his desk working.

It's true that she became the only person he trusted to see his skin, knowing she would never cross his boundaries to touch him. It's also true that it took him years, until quite recently, to figure out what he felt for her was not mere friendship. He'd thought nothing of taking off his shirt and gloves because he hadn't thought it'd mean anything to either of them. What it did mean exactly now...

He isn't going to be able to figure it all out tonight.

His eyes go again to his gloves that he's purposely not put on again yet. As what, a symbol? A test? He recalls the last thing she said to him in person and his fingers curl inwards, tapping lightly against the wood.]

Good ear. [There's a thoughtful musing to his normal raspy tone.] No, it was just my face. Refreshing myself a little.

[ So, that means that he hasn't taken his shirt off, but his gloves are most likely on the table if he's following his routine, no matter how botched it might be with the interruptions of her and Jesper. If Jesper's not there—and he isn't, he'd never be able to stay this quiet this long—there's a good chance he's without his gloves.

She chuckles. ]

Jesper rile you up that much?

[ She knows it has nothing to do with Jesper. It has nothing to do with her. It's Kaz and his lack of taking care of himself, including sleeping. He's always been so poor about it. ]

[He normally would pull his gloves back on as he's not actually winding down for bed, and that Jesper might return if he remembers, but Kaz doesn't. Perhaps it doesn't mean much, but he purposefully doesn't put his gloves back on right now while talking to her. He doesn't say as much though, because even in his head he can't spin it to where it doesn't sound silly and stupid. He's not a man who cares about such symbolic statements. That's Inej's domain.

So perhaps he's trying to do it for her.

He still doesn't say anything.]

It's like having a constant puppy around, only one with opposable thumbs instead of teeth that wield weapons.

[Thankfully, Kaz likes dogs for the most part.]

And who talks nonstop and tells very unfunny jokes.

[ Although, she does think Jesper is funny. He'll always be the funny one out of the group, even when Kaz upstages him every now and then.

She rises from her chair and stretches, uncaring about any sounds the ship or herself makes. Perhaps it's a good thing that it's not just stony silence surrounding her. Kaz can at least determine that she's on the sea and the sea's treating her well. ]

He seems happy. Happier than before.

[He can hear her moving and the sound of the waves, but none of the noises alarm him. At least not yet. They're sounds he'd expect to hear when talking for as long as they have been. He might not find the waves soothing, but he knows the sound brings comfort to her when it's calm like this.]

Mm. He is. I think there was a lot for him to come to terms with, after our trip to Shu Han. He still takes risks but he hasn't been quite so sloppy about them of late. Let's hope it lasts.

You know he's not sloppy, Kaz. He's just…

[ Jesper. That's all Inej can really say, and she knows Kaz will understand it. Kaz sees Jesper for who he is, but he expects more from him. He can see his potential; Inej knows Kaz believes Jesper can be better. Jesper has always been a reliable source of energy that's lifted her spirits up, especially when she's felt flatter than the bricks beneath their feet. She's always felt so protective of him, especially of his ability to see the good in everything. ]

Jesper really is like an excitable puppy. He means well. He's just unable to sit still. If you make a comment about his coats, he'll spend his time reorganising them and won't even be sloppy at all.

Intentions aren't always enough.

[He does expect more from Jesper. He holds the man to a higher standard than Jesper thinks he can reach, because Kaz sees his potential and because he can't bear to lose another brother. With each reckless venture, with each leap before looking, Kaz just wants to shake him and scream that he can't always guarantee he'll be there to bail Jesper out. And even if his life doesn't matter as much to him, it does to Kaz.]

But he is getting better. For now.

Edited 2023-04-21 12:04 (UTC)

[ That's high praise coming from Kaz, and it's more than enough for Inej.

She's asked about Wylan and she's asked about Jesper, and she supposes she could glean from the way he's continuing to speak to her despite having other things to do that he's doing all right. Not overly busy. Not running himself down until there's nothing left. ]

How are you?

[ But it bears asking, anyway. She's not there, and she knows that Kaz, Jesper and Wylan do have a tendency to downplay what things are like back home, especially under some guise not to worry her. But they all don't realise what Nina understands completely: she's always worrying about them. ]

[Kaz is always busy and he’s always tired, but he wouldn’t know how to exist otherwise. He prefers it this way, nonstop work and nonstop scores, plenty of fights to pick and changes brought and the unworthy swindled. Some are more personal than others, but they all stimulate his mind and keep him striding forwards. Kaz Brekker cannot abide to be bored. It's not an aguished fatigue at the moment.

Although some nights worrying about her might contribute to his lack of rest, too.]

I’m fine as always.

[He assumes this is all that needs to be said on the matter and moves right along.]

Can you smell the ocean still from your quarters? Or is it just waves that can be heard? I’d think you might get used to the scent after a while. Like how a nose gets accustomed to a perfume.

Edited 2023-04-21 13:17 (UTC)

[ "I'm fine as always." It tells her everything she needs to know. He's not looking after himself, as per usual. He's putting everything else first. He's being Kaz, although she thinks that there are some things he could do differently now. Sometimes Inej worries he's not happy or fulfilled, but that's a conversation she's not quite sure how to broach. ]

I can still smell the ocean, even though I've gotten used to it.

[ Being hit with the scent of the ocean after docking on land and staying for a couple of days where perfumes and spices overload her senses has always been like a warm welcome home. It's not the same as being embraced by Jesper, but it's enough. She likes that she'll never take that for granted, the scent of freedom and the gift Kaz has given her.

But it's clear that she's moving. Inej doesn't try to soften her footsteps into something inaudible. She's still in her boots. ]

Listen.

[ She's quick to rush over toward her window. It creaks as she pulls it open and the calm ocean seems to speak up as though it knows Kaz is on the other end of the square device in her hands. It's not as angry as it was last night, but it's clear from the way it yawns and brushes up against the hull of the ship that it's alive and keeping her safe. ]

Can you hear that?

[ She speaks it softly as though she risks disturbing the ocean. ]

[He's always been able to sense when she's near no matter how silent she is, but she's not near him now. Instead he hears her walking to let him know she's moving, and after a moment's rustling, he hears the sound of the waves grow louder. It isn't a noise that would lull him to sleep, but he knows it's one that offers her comfort and fulfillment. For that alone, he can't hate it.]

I can hear it.

[There's a moment's pause.]

Are you purposely letting me hear you walk?

Edited 2023-04-22 10:43 (UTC)

[ She hesitates briefly. ]

Yes.

[ Shouldn't she do that? No. She wants to. She wants him to be able to picture her perfectly, even though she suspects that he'd be able to regardless of how quiet she is. Kaz has always seen her, and the distance between them would be no different, surely. ]

I wanted you to be able to picture it.

[ "It" being her. For all her bravery, Inej can't quite bring herself to say that. It's presumptuous, and perhaps he doesn't want to picture what she's doing at all.

But she opts for what she feels is a compromise. ]

I could tell what you and Jesper would doing. I wanted to be able to share what I was doing, too.

[She wants him to see her. It’s always been an interesting juxtaposition to Kaz about her. How she so readily used moving in the shadows yet feared becoming a ghost within them. It’s nice now to have a way to ensure she’s still present with him, not lost or left wondering.]

I can picture it. [His voice as usual is rough, it has been ever since surviving the firepox. Whether it damaged his vocal chords or it’s simply how he was reborn, there’s always a gravel note when he speaks. His words though are like wind against the rock of deliverance.] I want to picture it.

[He’s tried to many nights, imagine what she’s going through and doing now.]

Though whether you’ve gotten a pirate hat yet has yet to be determined.

[ She makes an amused noise. ]

No, not yet. I'm worried that I'll pick the wrong one and I'll never hear the end of it from Jesper.

[ He's incredibly passionate about his hats. What if she picks the wrong one that clashes with his? Or he deems what she's chosen to be lesser than deserving for pirate? Inej's considered asking Jesper to choose her hat for her so she can carry something of him with her on the True Sea. ]

I spend most of my nights alone when I'm not on the deck with Specht or the crew.

[ He wants to picture it, and so she wants him to. ]

Sometimes I can't sleep, so I risk writing letters… to you. [ She's quick to add: ] And Jesper and Wylan and Nina. It's easier when the water's still.

[ She lowers her voice, feeling something in her chest deflate. ] But there are nights where I find it's hard to do that.

[She's better about sharing than he is. Kaz has trouble talking about himself, too many years spent barely saying a word. He prefers hearing about her. He flexes his foot a little, trying to stretch out the stiffness in his leg. He’s said that he can multitask, and he can, but he sets aside his pen when listening to her talk right now. It isn’t just them bantering and joking, and he gives her his pointed focus.]

It’s a risk we’re willing to take. [The letter writing, to stay in touch with her.]

Nights where you find it hard because…? [He could guess, but something tells him that this might be more a matter of him giving her a chance to open up if she wants, rather than filling in the blanks for her.]

I miss you.

[ She could've lied and made up a joke. There are some nights that are harder because of how moody of a sleeper the True Sea is. It's impossible to write when she's angry. And while that's true, that some of her letters started to unnaturally slant and had to be paused for another time, that's not what she had meant at all.

Perhaps it's easier to admit how she feels knowing he'll never have any proof of it. Jesper and Wylan joke about transcribing their audio conversations, but she's grateful they haven't been able to figure that one out yet. Writing it down gives him something tangible to hold onto. Writing it down confronts her. ]

All of you, obviously.

[ Not just him, although that's what she meant. ]

Sometimes it's hard to write about what's happened because I miss you. I'm still so used to you all being by my side that sitting down to write it down to you is strange.

[ She doesn't regret leaving, although she sometimes wishes they all could've joined her. She knows why they couldn't. This is her path to take, not theirs. ]

[Hearing the words make his chest constrict. Letting her go had been both one of the easiest and most difficult things he’s done in his life. Easy, because he always wants her to find her freedom and purpose above all else. Difficult because it meant not seeing her every day. It’s like losing one of his limbs, an invisible one he’s relied upon for years. If he feels that loss so keenly, he can imagine it’s harder for her to not have any of the Crows around regularly.]

It is strange. I don’t really know where to start sometimes, either. [So much of what goes on he can’t commit to writing anyway, it’s too dangerous. It’s risky enough to write, he’s not going to detail intimate crimes. Even talking over this device, it’s not the same though he feels safer in sharing the less lawful elements.]

It’s something, though. To know you’re doing okay. Or if you're ever not. You can let me know that, too.

[He's so used to just reading her body, and now he can read her voice, to know if her day went well or not, but it's still not the same.] Even if it's just that you didn't catch any fish. Or worse.

If you just want to talk.

You can let me know.

[ Her breath catches; he's meeting her tit for tat in confessing. She'd always imagined Kaz would insist he's walking fine without her. Nothing's changed. There's no time to account for the ways Ketterdam has changed with her gone.

She appreciates it, even though she won't say as much. Pointing out Kaz's moments of honesty is asking for him to clam right up again. ]

I'm horrible at catching fish. [ She chuckles. ] Like really, really horrible. Specht says I want to save them, too, even though they'd be much better as food. I think you would've said something like that.

[ That's one of the things she's wanted to tell him. Mundane things like that. There'd been a time in Ketterdam when it'd been easy for them to talk about the mundane like it was business. It was easier to hide behind the fact that business brought them together. They still have that in common, but it's different now. Their missions intersect, but instead of going straight ahead together, he goes left while she goes right.

She audibly inhales and pauses. ]

It's easier to catch fish than slavers. Sometimes we find out about more than one, and I feel so guilty having to pick which one we go after while the rest get further away.

[ If only she could control the sea. ]

I did say something like that. About you saving the fish for their freedom.

[Kaz knows he did. He remembers everything. It’s both a boon and burden, depending on the time.]

Brick by brick, Wraith. It takes time to make them all pay. You’ve only lost when you stop looking entirely.

I don't know how to be patient.

[ Despite being one for the shadows and having spent hours waiting for just one slip of pivotal information, she struggles now. How did he do it? Hadn't he bided his time since he was a little boy? How did he not worry about losing his one chance? ]

I want to make them all pay now. I wish I could make the sea swallow every slaver ship whole.

[ And it's clear by her voice that she's incredibly impatient. But he's right, as always. Brick by brick. One ship at a time. Inej will never give up; she wishes that someone had been intent on rescuing her from her ship so long ago. ]

[The rage never goes away. Or maybe that's just him? Kaz has Pekka behind bars now, but it still doesn't feel like enough. It doesn't feel finished. Perhaps it's because he knows Pekka might still be a threat down the road, and that it's his pride and wanting the man to suffer that he's willing to take that risk. Perhaps it's because Kaz simply doesn't know who he might be to let some of that anger go. He's simply displaced his sentiments onto other targets, raging at a larger society now that put Pekka into a position to take advantage of children to begin with.

Kaz embraces the rage, he nurtures the grudges. It's the quiet he struggles against. Inej is a hero wanting to ensure others didn't suffer as she did, she wants to protect innocents and dismantle a system that lets criminals win.

Kaz Brekker just wants a fight. Or at least, that's how he sees himself. A thief, a killer. A boy turned man who can't stay down out of spite.]

I know.

And you will. Just remember that they'll all make more than one mistake. It's human nature. Everyone has a tell they can't hide unless they're dead. You'll expose them all, if you don't get sloppy and misread what their weakness is.

It's not always going to feel like enough, but that's not the point, is it?

[ She sighs. He has a point, as always. She isn't pursuing this path to fill a hole inside of herself, although Inej knows it's helping prompt the healing of a very old wound that had opened up when she woke on that slaver ship. She wants to prevent broken families and children. She wants to see pleasure houses topple. Perhaps she and Kaz aren't all that different. ]

No, it's not.

[ This time, her voice is gentle. The ocean follows suit, softly lapping against the hull of the warship. ]

It doesn't feel like enough. I suppose that's really the point. The moment it feels like it's enough, I've given up on everyone else who needs me.

[ And Inej doesn't want that. She'll free slaves and take down slavers even in death. If she's learned anything from Kaz, it's that having a legend grow greater and bigger than her is oftentimes a great weapon. ]

It feels… good. Doing this. I don't enjoy knowing there are so many slave ships, but I feel like I'm doing something good.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject